One week down, 1 1/2 to go. Any parent of an autistic child will understand the significance of counting the days until any school vacation comes to an end and monitoring the sanity of both parent and child. Since becoming a full time working mom, as opposed to a part time working mom, I have been slowly adjusting to the juggling act. I know thousands upon thousands of moms balance it all everyday, but it certainly takes a lot of patience, organization, strength, and HELP.
Help is not something that I want to admit that I need. I don't like asking for it because I feel as though it shows weakness. Weakness shows imperfection, and imperfection makes me feel like a failure. I am fully aware of my many, many imperfections so I often feel defeated. I have a few theories as to why I feel this way, but there is only one way to change it - accept God's unconditional love. He created me, imperfections and all. My flaws do not define who I am. They provide me with ways to grow and places to go. The older I get, the more I have come to realize that my self worth should not come from how well I perform, or how capable I am, or by meeting the expectations of others. I am human. I WILL perform poorly. There are times that I WILL NOT be capable. I WILL fail others. But I will always be Jennifer, created and loved by God. He doesn't have unrealistic expectations, so why should I?
I want to be everything that God created me to be. It certainly isn't always comfortable, striving and learning to fulfill his purpose for my life. Acknowledging my faults and failures is painful, but imagining how my life can be transformed and focusing on the learning process, rather than the imperfections alone, gives me hope. I tell my children that there is nothing they can do that will cause me to love them any less. God's love for us is even greater!
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