A Learning Process

One week down, 1 1/2 to go. Any parent of an autistic child will understand the significance of counting the days until any school vacation comes to an end and monitoring the sanity of both parent and child.  Since becoming a full time working mom, as opposed to a part time working mom, I have been slowly adjusting to the juggling act. I know thousands upon thousands of moms balance it all everyday, but it certainly takes a lot of patience, organization, strength, and HELP.

Help is not something that I want to admit that I need. I don't like asking for it because I feel as though it shows weakness. Weakness shows imperfection, and imperfection makes me feel like a failure. I am fully aware of my many, many imperfections so I often  feel defeated.  I have a few theories as to why I feel this way, but there is only one way to change it - accept God's unconditional love. He created me, imperfections and all. My flaws do not define who I am. They provide me with ways to grow and places to go. The older I get, the more I have come to realize that my self worth should not come from  how well I perform, or how capable I am, or by meeting the expectations of others.  I am human. I WILL  perform poorly. There are times that I WILL NOT be capable. I WILL fail others. But I will always be Jennifer, created and loved by God. He doesn't have unrealistic expectations, so why should I?

I want to be everything that God created me to be. It certainly isn't always comfortable, striving and learning to fulfill his purpose for my life. Acknowledging my faults and failures is painful, but imagining how my life can be transformed and focusing on the learning process, rather than the imperfections alone, gives me hope. I tell my children that there is nothing they can do that will cause me to love them any less. God's love for us is even greater!

...Because I Want Them to Know

This is going to be one of those boasting posts about how wonderful my kids are. So, if that is not the kind of thing that floats your boat,  you can stop by another time. :) I am so proud of them, not because i think they are perfect, not because of what they have accomplished, but because of who they are. They each engage in certain behaviors that drive me crazy, they can be disrespectful, irresponsible,  they fight with each other like cats and dogs, but imperfections exist in us all and can be used to bring about growth. Well,  you're probably  thinking, "this doesn't sound much like boasting." Well,  that's about to change...

Jacob is my oldest,  just recently turning 15 years old. He is my over comer! There are so many numerous qualities that precious soul exhibits but right now I want to focus on his determination. Being born with a cleft palate, having seizures, and being diagnosed with autism couldn't change who God wanted him to be and it certainly didn't slow him down. Everyday of his life, challenges exist. Everyday of his life, he struggles to communicate. Everyday of his life, his basic needs are met by others. But his enthusiasm, his strength, and his lack of intimidation have caused him to exceed my expectations in so many ways. When that kid sets his mind on something, watch out! He encourages me to do the same!

Josiah, my middle child, who actually fulfills the role of the oldest in many ways, will be 14 in a couple of weeks. I could go on and on about his talents and accomplishments for there are so many, but I want to focus on his confidence. He never gets nervous, he will try just about anything, and he dreams big. I really admire him for being himself and not worrying too much about what others think. He takes pride in his individuality and wants to use the gifts God has given him. He encourages me to do the same!

Now, my baby...Micah, age 9.  My little ray of sunshine doesn't have a lazy bone in his body. I can rarely get him to sit still with me to watch a tv show or movie. He would rather be outside playing football, basketball, baseball,  playing a game with his family, or interacting with his  friends. He wants to help out in anyway he can and is extraordinarily capable at such a young age. He will most certainly succeed in life because he "does" and he "goes" and he works hard.  He encourages me to do the same!

"Making it"

I was playing basketball in the driveway with Micah this afternoon, pretending as though I was 20 years old again. Its fun to see my son interested in something that was such a huge part of my life. Its even  more fun to hear him say, as we were playing "knockout", "Mom, will you quit making it?!"  Forty one years old, 50 lbs overweight, out of shape, and I can still shoot the ball. It amazes me how some things stick with us, even as we grow older. My body has certainly changed, my brain doesn't work as quickly as it used to,  I'm slow and tired, but there are things that God birthed in me that are just part of who I am. I am guilty of not recognizing that I am who I am for a reason. I get so consumed with the areas I don't measure up, where I fall short, areas that overwhelm me with insecurity. I fail to listen to that voice that whispers, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made." Those wonderful things that God created in us should not be buried just because we may not be at the top of our game.

I am determined to begin engaging in activities that I am either good at or that I enjoy. I want to face my fears and trust that if God has given me a certain gift, it must be for a reason and He will support me in my attempts to use those gifts.

Again, folks, I am not there yet. I am giving myself a pep talk through this post. I know what I believe about God and His Word, but taking it to heart and living it is a whole different ballgame. No, Micah, I will not quit making it. :)

Prayer Changes Things

I wish I had some miraculous story to tell you about a great miracle I have experienced recently after seeking God though prayer.  I wish I could tell you that God has made it clear to me that the personal struggles I am facing right now will miraculously disappear after crying out to Him. I wish I could declare at this very moment that all of my faults and failures will turn into blessings and successes in an instance after asking Him for grace. Its doesn't usually happen like that.  What I can tell you is that God tells us to do it, "to pray without ceasing...for this is the will  of God" and that "the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."  I am certainly no theologian, but I know that if God commands it, there is no doubt a purpose in it.

So, how can prayer change things? I have struggled with this question for some time, trying to rationalize how a sovereign God should in any way respond to my words. After all..."His ways are higher than mine ways, His thoughts higher than mine." I don't have an answer, but I do know that there has to be an explanation as to why prayer strengthens me. Knowing that others are praying for me uplifts me. Putting my trust in Him gives me hope. Prayer makes a difference. It changes my mood, my outlook, and turns my irrationality and despair into peace and hope. I can certainly slip back into hopelessness, but here come the prayers of the saints! Prayer changes things!

Prayer can also change our hearts. Being thankful to God for life, family, health, etc. simply gives me a grateful heart. Acknowledging God's unconditional love and knowing he wants me to become everything He created me to be opens my heart to receive His love and devotion. Repenting of my sins and failures cleans up my heart and allows me to receive the correction and transformation that i need. And, worshiping Him through prayer brings me closer to His "heart." Prayer changes things!

I wanted to therapeutically write this post to remind myself of what I know and believe and trust in. I need a reminder of this every minute of everyday. Maybe you do too!